Samantha's Diary

Dear Samantha,

How’s are you feeling today? It’s your birthday! Are the angels celebrating it with you? Do be patient with Jeremy and play with him always.

Jonathan kor kor was asking how would both of you look like now. If you have chance to talk to Jesus, do help to ask Him to show kor kor. Kor kor miss you very much.

Happy Birthday Samatha.

From Jonathan Kor kor, Mommy and Daddy.

Dear Samantha,

Happy heavenly birthday to you. You are 3 years old already but you are still a little baby in our memories. Jonathan kor-kor remembers your birthday today because Mommy marked it down on his calendar. We will be visiting you next week. Hope you have a blast celebration with your heavenly friends.

Always in our memories,
Daddy, Mommy and Jonathan kor-kor

My sweet girl Samantha,

You had left us for 2 years. The first year without you was tough. Daddy and mommy were struggling with God to understand and overcome your passing. By the grace of God, we managed to revive from thissad episode.

Daddy and mommy then thought that by having a new addition in the family would help to cure our wounded heart and fill the emptiness in our heart. Jonathan kor kor also has been longing for a sibling to play with. We can see that he is such a loving and caring brother. Saying all these, still God has His own plan.  Once again, God took our baby away. Baby Jeremy was born premature and only live for 8 days. No one knows why God took him away. It’s a mystery. At this moment we do not know if we can breakthrough this sorrow.

Daddy, mommy and Jonathan kor kor will always remember both you and baby Jeremy in our heart. Please help us to love and care for Jeremy which we couldn’t during his short time on earth. We know you will be a good sister.

Missing both of you dearly.

Mommy’s dearest Samantha,

You may notice mommy no longer called you baby Samantha. That is because mommy had given birth to a baby boy on 25 October 2012. Yes, you are now a big sister and Jonathan kor kor is still a big brother.

Unfortunately, happiness could not stay with us for long. Your baby brother, Jeremy gone to be with Jesus on 1 November 2012. Unlike you, he could only stay with daddy and mommy for 7 days.

Although he was born little because of the prematurity, he was a strong boy. He had a good chance to survive until the doctor broke the deadly news to us. Baby Jeremy was diagnosed with mitochondrial disease. His DNA result shows the same mutation as what you had. Daddy and mommy’s heart broke as we receive the news. Although we are prepared for this to happen, on the other hand we had been praying to God throughout the pregnancy that this won’t happen. Indeed God has His own plan which is greater and better for us.

Everything seems hopeless. We continue praying to God that if it is God’s willing, please perform a miracle. But if baby Jeremy is going to suffer, we rather God take him to heaven so that he will be free from all sufferings. God choose to take him away from us. We do not know why but we still need to submit to His will.

I suppose by now, you would have seen him dancing happily in heaven above. Please help daddy and mommy to take good care of him. Mommy is so sorry that such tragedy happen again. Tell him that daddy, mommy and Jonathan kor kor love him and he will be close to our hearts just like where you are in our hearts now.

Till we meet in heaven…

We have a new neighbour recently. This new neighbour of ours have a 1 yo baby. Yesterday night, Jonathan and I were standing at the door looking out to the neighbour’s house. Jonathan then said to me…

Jon: Mommy, Ah Ma ask if I want aunty’s baby. But I told her I don’t want.
Me: Why you don’t want?
Jon: Because I already have a baby in my heart mah…
Me: Who is the baby in your heart?
Jon: Samantha lor…

My heart teared…of happiness and sadness.

My little baby,

Christmas is around the corner. This will be the second year we missed you on Christmas. Last year, Gong Gong teared when he said his prayer, remembering Daddy and Mommy in his prayer, asking God to fill our hearts with joy.

You must be busy preparing for Jesus’ birthday party.  I wonder if you will be performing a dance/song for Him. Jonathan kor-kor performed a song together with all the Sunday School children during the Sunday School Christmas celebration. 

I guess my Christmas wish would be……a photo of my grown up girl sent down from heaven.

Merry Christmas, Samantha.

Her pulse rate started to drop.  She is too weak to swallow her saliva. And eventually she stop breathing without saying goodbye to us.

It has been a year since Samantha left us.  Has been imagining how pretty she is if she’s still with us.

Tiny Angel rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And gaze at your pretty bright eyes.

Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear….
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long….
Why is it, you couldn’t stay?

p/s: Thanks to Petrina for this lovely and thoughtful photo magnet.

We celebrated Jonathan’s 4th birthday in school today. While Jonathan was giving out the party pack to his friends, his teacher reminded them to share with their brothers and sisters at home. Later that night, I had a conversation with Jonathan that goes like this…

Me: Jonathan, teacher say must share the party pack with who?
Jon: With our brother and sister.
Me: Do you have a brother or sister?
Jon: I don’t have.
Me: Are you sure?
Jon: Ermm…I have a sister. But she died already wor.

Last year, we celebrated Jonathan’s 3rd birthday on the same date as well…10 October. His actual birthday is 8 October. By God’s grace, Samantha was able to celebrate Jonathan’s 3rd birthday together with us.  Samantha was just 6 months at that time.  I wonder how she would look like by now. If she is still around, I think she will be as excited as her kor-kor when she sees Jonathan’s football cake. We probably would need to guard her from damaging the cake with her fingers. 😛

Here are some snapshots of the event with Samantha.

Missing you lots, sweetie!

Last Sunday (24 April 2011) was Easter. It reminded me of last year during this time. Samantha turned one month old. What a joy and thanksgiving for she managed to pull through her stormy neonatal period.  Teng helped to make some cupcakes to be given to Darling’s colleague.

Easter of last year, was the first time she went to church. We brought her to Kajang Chinese Methodist Church. But unfortunately, that was her first and last time at church. Still, we want to praise the Lord.

Me: Jonathan, do you remember you like to hold Samantha’s hand?
Jon: But Samantha die already. I cannot hold her hand.